Tragically, one of the rarest commodities in our culture is empathy.
People are hungry for empathy, They don't know how to ask for it. Marshall
B. Rosenberg,
Empathy is a respectful
understanding of what others are experiencing. Instead of offering
empathy, we often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and
to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon
us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.
In nonviolent communication, no matter what words others may use to
express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings,
needs, and requests. Then we may wish to reflect back, paraphrasing
what we have understood. We stay with empathy, allowing others the
opportunity to fully express themselves before we turn our attention
to solutions or requests for relief.
We need empathy to give empathy. When we sense ourselves being
defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (A) stop, breathe, give
ourselves empathy, (B) screamed nonviolently, or (C) take time out.”
Rosenberg: Empathy, I would say is presence. Pure presence to what is
alive in a person at this moment, bringing nothing in from the past.
The more you know a person, the harder empathy is. The more you have
studied psychology, the harder empathy really is. Because you can
bring no thinking in from the past. If you surf, you'd be better at
empathy because you will have built into your body what it is about.
Being present and getting in with the energy that is coming through
you in the present. It is not a mental understanding.
Question: Is it speaking from the heart?
Rosenberg: "What? Empathy? In empathy, you don't speak at all. You
speak with the eyes. You speak with the body. If you say any words at
all, it's because you are not sure you are with the person. So you may
say some words. But the words are not empathy. Empathy is when the
other person feels the connection to with what's alive in you.
"I've been quoted on the
subject of empathy in a recent book edited by Josh Baran titled 365
Nirvana Here and Now: Living Every Moment in Enlightenment. The author
excerpts a passage in which I compared empathy to surfing. I said that
empathy is like riding on a wave; it's about getting in touch with a
certain energy. But the energy is a divine energy that's alive in
every person, at every moment.
Unfortunately, many of us are blocked from that divine energy by the
way we've been taught to think. But for me, empathy is getting with
that energy that's coming through the other person. It's a divine
experience. I feel as if I'm really in a flow with divine energy. And
when two people connect in that way, any kind of conflict can be
resolved so that everybody's needs get met.
When we teach people to empathize with people from other cultures who
are behaving in a ways we do not like, we find ways of resolving our
differences peacefully. So empathy is a beautiful experience when we
have it. And it's powerful to work toward peace in diplomatic
relationships based on empathy, not on our usual adversarial tactics.
Now when we can empathize with what's alive in another person, it's
amazing how much healing can go on. Unfortunately, there's a lot of
healing that needs to happen in the world because of the pain people
are in, and I'm often called to help individuals who have been
victimized by people with different religious beliefs.
I recommend allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves
before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief. When
we proceed too quickly to what people might be requesting, we may not
convey our genuine interest in their feelings and needs; instead, they
may get the impression that we're in a hurry to either be free of them
or to fix their problem. Furthermore, an initial message is often like
the tip of an iceberg; it may be followed by yet unexpressed, but
related - and often more powerful - feelings. By maintaining our
attention on what's going on within others, we offer them a chance to
fully explore and express their interior selves. We would stem this flow
if we were to shift attention too quickly either to their request or to
our own desire to express ourselves.
Suppose a mother comes to us, saying, "My child is impossible. No matter
what I tell him to do, he doesn't listen." We might reflect her feelings
and needs by saying, "It sounds like you're feeling desperate and would
like to find some way of connecting with your son." Such a paraphrase
often encourages a person to look within. If we have accurately
reflected her statement, the mother might touch upon other feelings:
"Maybe it's my fault. I'm always yelling at him." As the listener, we
would continue to stay with the feelings and needs being expressed and
say, for example, "Are you feeling guilty because you would have liked
to have been more understanding of him than you have been at times?" If
the mother continues to sense understanding in our reflection, she might
move further into her feelings and declare, "I'm just a failure as a
mother." We continue to remain with the feelings and needs being
expressed: "So you're feeling discouraged and want to relate differently
to him?" We persist in this manner until the person has exhausted all
her feelings surrounding this issue.
What evidence is there that we've adequately empathized with the other
person? First, when an individual realizes that everything going on
within has received full empathic understanding, they will experience a
sense of relief. We can become aware of this phenomenon by noticing a
corresponding release of tension in our own body. A second even more
obvious sign is that the person will stop talking. If we are uncertain
as to whether we have stayed long enough in the process, we can always
ask, "Is there more that you wanted to say?"
Pain and empathy
A mother can't breastfeed her infant if she doesn't receive adequate
nourishment herself. Likewise, if we find ourselves unable or unwilling
to empathize despite our efforts, it is usually a sign that we are too
starved for empathy to be able to offer it to others. Sometimes if we
openly acknowledge that our own distress is preventing us from
responding empathically, the other person may come through with the
empathy we need.
At other times, it may be necessary to provide ourselves with some
"emergency first aid" empathy by listening to what's going on in
ourselves with the same quality of presence and attention that we offer
to others. The former United Nations secretary-general, Dag Hammarskjold,
once said, "The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the
better you will hear what is happening outside." If we become skilled in
giving ourselves empathy, we often experience in just a few seconds a
natural release of energy which then enables us to be present with the
other person. If this fails to happen, however, we have a couple of
other choices.
We can scream - nonviolently. I recall spending three days mediating
between two gangs that had been killing each other off. One gang called
themselves Black Egyptians; the other, the East St. Louis Police
Department. The score was two to one - a total of three dead within a
month. After three tense days trying to bring these groups together to
hear each other and resolve their differences, I was driving home and
thinking how I never wanted to be in the middle of a conflict again for
the rest of my life.
The first thing I saw when I walked through the back door was my
children entangled in a fight. I had no energy to empathize with them so
I screamed nonviolently: "Hey, I'm in a lot of pain! Right now I really
do not want to deal with your fighting! I just want some peace and
quiet!" My older son, then nine, stopped short, looked at me, and asked,
"Do you want to talk about it?" If we are able to speak our pain nakedly
without blame, I find that even people in distress are sometimes able to
hear our need. Of course I wouldn't want to scream, "What's the matter
with you? Don't you know how to behave any better? I just got home after
a rough day!" or insinuate in any way that their behavior is at fault. I
scream nonviolently by calling attention to my own desperate needs and
pain in this moment.
If, however, the other party is also experiencing such intensity of
feelings that they can neither hear us nor leave us alone, the third
recourse is to physically remove ourselves from the situation. We give
ourselves time out and the opportunity to acquire the empathy we need to
return in a different frame of mind.
Nonviolent
Communication Part 1 Marshall Rosenberg
Language of Compassion (empathy) versus Language of
Domination
"the empathy is the second part, he's seeing this other persons
humanness, and the way we see the humanness is to see the needs
without these enemy images clouding that. It's not easy to do that and
requires full presence to what is alive in this other person."
