Article:
Empathic: An Unappreciated Way Of Being
With this conceptual background, let me attempt a description of empathy
which would seem satisfactory to
me today. I would no longer be terming it a "state of empathy," because
I believe it to be a process, rather
than a state. Perhaps I can capture that quality.
The way of being with another person which is termed empathic has several
facets. It means entering the
private perceptual world of the other and becoming thoroughly at home in
it. It involves being sensitive,
moment to moment, to the changing felt meanings which flow in this other
person, to the fear or rage or
tenderness or confusion or whatever, that he/she is experiencing. It
means temporarily living in his/her life,
moving about in it delicately without making judgments, sensing meanings
of which he/she is scarcely
aware, but not trying to uncover feelings of which the person is totally
unaware, since this would be too
threatening. It includes communicating your sensings of his/her world as
you look with fresh and
unfrightened eyes at elements of which the individual is fearful. It
means frequently checking with him/her
as to the accuracy of your sensings, and being guided by the responses
you receive. You are a confident
companion to the person in his/her inner world. By pointing to the
possible meanings in the flow of his/her
experiencing you help the person to focus on this useful type of
referent, to experience the meanings more
fully, and to move forward in the experiencing....
Almost Always, when a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes
moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as
though he were saying, "Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what
it's like to be me."
A Way of Being. By Carl Rogers
When someone really hears you without
passing judgment on you, without taking responsibility for you, without
trying to mold you, it feels damn good. When I have been listened
to, when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new
way and go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become
soluble when someone listens. How confusions that seem
irremediable become relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.
A Way of Being
I believe I know why it is satisfying to
me to hear someone. When I can really hear someone, it puts me in touch
with him; it enriches my life. It is through hearing people that I have
learned all that I know about individuals, about personality, about
interpersonal relationships.
Carl Rogers
Carl Rogers, the humanistic psychologist, defined empathy as follows:
"The state of empathy, or being empathic, is to perceive the internal frame of
reference of another with accuracy and with the emotional components and
meanings which pertain thereto as if one were the person."
From
Compassionate Communication & Empathy
Experiences in Communication by Carl Rogers
In the autumn of 1964, I was invited to be a speaker in a lecture series
at the California Institute of Technology in Pasadena, one of the
leading scientific institutions in the world. Most of the speakers were
from the physical sciences. The audience attracted by the series was
known to be a highly educated and sophisticated group. The speakers were
encouraged to put on demonstrations, if possible, of their subjects,
whether astronomy, microbiology, or theoretical physics.
I was asked to speak on the subject of communication.
As I started collecting references and jotting down ideas for the talk,
I became very dissatisfied with what I was doing. The thought of a
demonstration kept running through my mind, and then being dismissed. The speech that follows shows how I resolved the problem of endeavoring
to communicate, rather than just to speak about the subject of
communication.
"To perceive the internal frame
of reference of another with accuracy and with the emotional components and
meanings which pertain thereto as if one were the person, but without ever
losing the "as if" condition. Thus, it means to sense the hurt or the pleasure
of another as he senses it and to perceive the causes thereof as he perceives
them, but without ever losing the recognition that it is as if I were hurt or
pleased and so forth."
Carl Rogers: (1959, p. 210-211)"
Source: Rogers, C. R. (1959). A theory of therapy,
personality and interpersonal relationships, as developed in the client-centered
framework. In S. Koch (Ed.), Psychology: A study of science, (Vol. 3,
p. 184-256). New York: Mc Graw Hill.
Later (1975), Rogers wrote that empathy is a
process rather than a state and that it means "entering the
private perceptual world of the other and becoming thoroughly at home in it.
It involves being sensitive, moment to moment, to the changing felt meanings
which flow in this other person, to the fear or rage or tenderness or
confusion or what ever, that he/she is experiencing. It means temporarily
living in his/her life, moving about in it delicately without making
judgments, sensing meanings of which he/she is scarcely aware, but not trying
to uncover feelings of which the person is totally unaware, since this would
be too threatening. It includes communicating your sensing of his/her world as
you look with fresh and unfrightened eyes at elements of which the individual
is fearful. It means frequently checking with him/her as to the accuracy of
your sensings, and being guided by the responses you receive. You are a
confident companion to the person in his/her inner world. By pointing to the
possible meanings in the flow of his/her experiencing you help the person to
focus on this useful type of referent, to experience the meanings more fully,
and to move forward in the experiencing. To be with another in this way means
that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for
yourself in order to enter another's world without prejudice. In some sense it
means that you lay aside yourself and this can only be done by a person who is
secure enough in himself that he knows he will not get lost in what may turn
out to be the strange or bizarre world of the other, and can comfortably
return to his own world when he wishes. Perhaps this description makes clear
that being empathic is a complex, demanding, strong yet subtle way of being."
(p. 4). Source: Rogers, C. (1975). Empathic: An
unappreciated way of being. Counseling Psychologist, 5, 2-10.
Here is a series of videos of Carl Rogers
using his empathic reflective listening approach
in a session with Gloria.
